At my university, stories circulated about girls who were said to have come not just to study, but to find a husband. For some of them, marriage wasn’t just about love. It was a choice, status, security, a plan. They had a clear vision of whom they wanted to share their lives with. And there’s nothing wrong with that, because the decision of whom we spend our lives with is one of the most important decisions in life. Just as important as choosing a profession or career. So where and when did these girls learn that lesson? <\/p>\n\n\n\n
My parents didn’t teach me about that. They told me I had to finish university, earn my own money, and be independent. But we never talked about marriage, partnership, or how and whom to choose. Marriage was implied, but not deeply considered. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Where Do We Learn Love Lessons?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n My clients often ask me: “Why do I always end up with the same type of women\/men? Why do I choose those who don’t want me, who are emotionally unavailable, or problematic? Why do I keep repeating the same patterns?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n The answer lies in the patterns and beliefs we have learned and accepted, which are automatically reflected in every subsequent relationship. The answer lies in one of the mind’s rules which states: your mind’s task is to guide you towards the familiar and away from the unknown. Even if the familiar isn’t always good and causes pain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For example, if you grew up in a home where love was quiet and conditional, you might unconsciously attract partners with similar patterns. If your parents only hugged you when you got an A in school, you might think love needs to be earned. If you saw love through support and tenderness, that becomes your standard and your “unit of measure” for intimacy. If you grew up in an environment where love wasn’t shown, but rather seen as a duty or a compromise, you learn that love carries weight, pain, and uncertainty. If home was warm and full of laughter, you learn that intimacy can be natural and unconditional. <\/p>\n\n\n\n But the rule of the mind<\/strong> is relentless: our mind guides us towards the familiar,<\/strong> even when it hurts us. And that’s why the first step is to become aware of learned beliefs and make the unknown familiar, and the familiar unknown. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Besides family, we learn through our own experiences, from friends, from books, movies, and, of course, first loves. That’s where we begin to test the patterns we brought from childhood. <\/p>\n\n\n\n And as we mature and change, so does the way we view and choose love. In our twenties and thirties, we often seek excitement, fireworks, sexual attraction, preferably with a little drama. These relationships can be fun and passionate, but often end in heartbreak. In more mature years, love comes quietly; we seek security, understanding, laughter; we seek someone to see and appreciate us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Elizabeth and Darcy, a Love Lesson from Pemberley<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n My favorite romance novel will always be Pride and Prejudice<\/em> (Jane Austen, 1813). Elizabeth Bennet is smart, witty, and brave, a woman who has and expresses her opinions, doesn’t compromise, and rejects Darcy’s marriage proposal without batting an eye! Darcy is charming, rich, educated, reserved, and ready to do anything for the woman he loves! Their story is a story of love, change, and choice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n However, beyond their undeniable love, there’s a moment when Elizabeth first comes to Pemberley, Darcy’s home, as an ordinary tourist. And then she gains a new insight, she gets a love lesson. Elizabeth sees the home, she sees the social status, she sees the life she could have, and in that regard, she begins to appreciate Darcy in a different way. And our dear Elizabeth chose well! <\/p>\n\n\n\n “It was a large, handsome, stone building, standing on an eminence, behind which rose a range of high, wooded hills, and in front of it flowed a swollen stream without any artificial surroundings. Elizabeth was delighted. She had never before seen a place where nature had been so benevolent and where natural beauty had been so little spoiled by bad taste. Everyone admired it rapturously: at that moment she realized that to be mistress of Pemberley meant something special<\/strong>! ‘Ah,’ she thought, ‘I could have been mistress here! I could have known these rooms well by now. Instead of viewing them as a stranger, I could have enjoyed them as my own and received my guests in them.'” <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Watch the scene, Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n